well i got another xanga so if you want you can subscribe to it....here the link..

http://www.xanga.com/xemoxtragedyx3

so yeah...my weekend was okay i guess...i went to my moms for a day...i spent saturday night at her house...it was good for me since i dont get to see my mom alot...my mom saw my scars on my arm...and the fresh cuts...and she grabbed my arm and was like those are fresh cuts and i was like mom no they arent and then my brother goes and lifts up my sleeve so my mom can see my cuts and scars up there...i just wanted to cut so bad...me and my brother also got into a fight and it seemed like she was taking my brothers side...like always...and i just wanted to cut but i couldnt cause i know she would notice...

so on sunday i went to dinner with my aunt and uncle who i havent seen in so long and my cousin Sammy was there to...so it was nice to have dinner with them...i havent seen Sammy since my grandpa died...it was really good to see him...hes changed...but yeah so were guna keep in touch with him and we might move up to Erie since like most of my family lives up there...and i hope we do cause i fucking hate it here with a passion...i just want to leave this life behind so bad...start over...

well i had a very bad day at school today...in my History class my teacher kept asking me all these questions and i kept getting them wrong...and i was so embarassed...cause he always does that to me...so i asked him if i could go to my locker and on my way to my locker i just started crying...i couldnt help it i just felt so worthless and stupid...and i know i am...in Algebra i got into a fight with some juniors and a senior...they were getting on my nerves so i flipped out and they said some stuff to me and i just walked out...i couldnt take it anymore...i ran down the hallways screaming...

anyways...i cant stop thinking about suicide...its basically all thats goin through my mind in school...i cant even concentrate cause i keep seeing how im guna do it...i have so many ways and i think im actually going to attempt to kill myself again...all the fucking other times it never fucking worked...but whatever...no one cares anyways...

well i got to talk to my best friend John today...hes so nice i love him so much because hes like the only true friend ive ever had in my life...i told him about the people in my school and he told me to think about him to make me happy if they said anything to upset me...so im guna do that tomorow...cause i know if i do think of him it will make me happy... 

so yeah school sucked today...i hated it...i should of never came back to my school...i should of just stayed at partial...seems like when i left everyone got mad at me for it...so now people say things to me...things that hurt me...and the worst part about that is...i thought they were my friends...i just go along with them and laugh about what they call me...but they dont even realize how bad it hurts me...it hurts me really bad...i had to walk out of my class today because i got upset about what my friend said to me...what he said hurt me alot...but its not like it matters...

well he wasnt at school today...i think its good that he wasnt because id look at him and think how im never guna get him and id get all depressed...i just cant stop thinking about him...

im just so ready to kill myself...before i went to partial i thought all my suicide thoughts went away...but they didnt...ive had suicidal thoughts for about four years now...and they keep getting worse and worse...i have so many ways planned out for me to do it...i even drew pictures of me killing myself...but my brother found them and i threw them away cause i knew he would tell my dad and my dad would yell and maybe even hit me...but yeah so my suicidal thoughts are back...i cant stop thinking about them...i think about them mostly all day...in class..at home...anywhere i am...i think about them...i think im actually goin to try soon...ive tried so many times...none of them ever worked...sadly...

i need to cut...really bad...my brother gave me a razor! he doenst know im guna use it for cutting though...but yeah so i finally got another razor...now i dont have to use dull knives and shit...so yeah...

Currently Listening Nightmare Anatomy By Aiden see related

well last night my aunt came to see us. she said soon shes guna take me to get some lip rings. hopefully that really is soon.

other then that..last night i was really depressed..its hard to explain..i was just having flashbacks to when my dad abused me..and to all the things hes said to me that hurt me really bad...hes told me to kill myself so many times so people wouldnt have to deal with me anymore..i also thought about how i get blamed for everything now...he even told me that anything bad thats ever happened or anything bad thats guna happen to my family is my fault...and i know hes right...everything is my fault...but yeah last night i tried to talk to my friend...but it didnt really seem like she cared...all she said was yeah i got to go ill talk to you about this tomorow...we talked about it today...and i told her about that guy i like and shes like oh you should go talk to him...she doenst realize that its not that easy for me...ive tried all year to get someone to make me happy...and i got hurt everytime i tried...i just dont wanna get hurt anymore...so yeah...im never guna get anyone to make me happy..i just dont see what other girls have that i dont...oh wait..i know..

but yeah so anyways...one of my friends doenst seem to care about me anymore...like the days after i went to the hospital i told him about it...and he was there for me...but like right before i left to go to my new school we were in a little fight...and when i finally came back he just didnt seem himself...like today in class he was throwing things at me and is always saying stuff to me and i asked him about it and he says what are you talking about...i care about you...but i know he doesnt...but yeah whatever...

Currently Listening Three Days Grace By Three Days Grace see related

yeah so not alot has been goin on with me lately..just wanna cut so bad..but i cant find anything that works good enough...

im finally done with partial..hopefully i dont have to go back..i will never let another teacher see my cuts again..cause im not goin to western psyhc again..dam that place is scary..

well i saw him today..i want him to notice me so bad..he looks at me..but i think its just a glance..i just want to get to know him..but i know he will never like me..im startin to like him alot though..i guess it doesnt matter..ill never get anyone..but i want someone..because i know if i got someone they would make me happy and maybe i wouldnt cut..i dont know..but yeah whatever..

i got to talk to Connor last night..made me happy..cause he hasnt called me in a while..but yeah so thats it for right now..